Social awkwardness is such a common phenomenon that social psychologists, including myself, have built careers around researching it. You can encounter it virtually everywhere, similar to how you might spot it here:
salary negotiations
or
small talk conversations
that have one too many awkward pauses.
Almost everyone will at some point find themselves in
an interaction that makes them feel uncomfortable
. And at work, these situations come up daily. We give and take feedback, manage team dynamics, and navigate status differences.
Most of us take a simple approach to quelling the discomfort: We smile as hard as we can, laugh (even when nothing is funny), and bend over backwards to convince people:
There’s nothing to worry about here. This interaction will be a positive one. I am nice.
Maybe
too
nice?
The problem with being too nice
The irony is stark: As much as we strive to mask our unease with kindness, others tend to notice what lies beneath.
Humans are good at
picking up on emotions
, which seep out via our nonverbal cues, such as the tone of our voice. We believe we’re effectively hiding our anxiety by adding praises, yet when these praises come with forced smiles, nobody falls for it.
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Frequently, we manage our unease by providing feedback that is too vague to be helpful. Consider the typical phrase, “Great job!” Often, this praise isn’t even warranted.
Excessively positive feedback suggests that you might not be fully engaged—especially when you’re preoccupied with managing your own behavior. Eventually, the individual who receives this kind of feedback starts losing trust in you. They require
particular details that could genuinely assist them in enhancing their performance
.
What to do instead
A lot of individuals find themselves working in settings where excessive politeness is expected. Below are three strategies you could employ to change this atmosphere into one that appreciates sincere and constructive criticism instead.
1. Challenge the ‘culture of niceness’
Reflect on whether everybody genuinely appreciates this excessively kind atmosphere, or if they’re just conforming to what others are doing.
Social norms significantly influence behavior, and the faster new members embrace these norms, the more quickly they will be seen as fitting in. When a new member notices that people heap praise even after an inadequate presentation, they will follow suit.
When nobody openly challenges this conduct, the outcome is something social psychologists refer to as “pluralistic ignorance.” Everyone thinks others are giving excessive positive feedback willingly since that’s what they assume. However, privately, each person dislikes it.
Start a conversation
Around change. Gain insight into how people truly perceive the positive aspects of the culture. A method to achieve this is by suggesting alternatives.
Prior to the upcoming presentation, you could inquire from everyone, “What if we all noted down three particular aspects that can be enhanced along with three key elements that deserve retention by the conclusion of the session?”
2. Be specific and detailed
It’s normal for us to draw conclusions about people based on their actions, leading us to create opinions and jump to conclusions. As an illustration, we could conclude that a person consistently late must be lazy. However, these judgments tend to be overly broad and not very helpful, regardless of whether they’re favorable or unfavorable.
Aim for detailed, action-oriented comments instead. The more accurately you can identify the problem—such as noting that a presentation contained excessive technical terms, rather than simply saying “it was dull”—the more valuable the feedback will become.
The
same goes for praise
If you specifically point out what someone has done well or explain why their work stands out, you’ll appear more sincere and your feedback will carry greater significance.
Removing broad generalizations from the equation has the added benefit of reducing threat for the person on the receiving end, especially if that feedback is critical.
3. If you’re just beginning, begin with something simple and not too controversial.
It might seem as daunting as leaping off a cliff when you shift from a excessively positive feedback environment to a more truthful one.
Begin with something minor. Choose topics that might be everyday concerns but which folks genuinely feel strongly about, such as deciding what to keep in the break room fridge. Avoid anything too controversial. The aim is to
build the feedback
Muscle. This way, when you dive into more challenging aspects, the standards regarding truthfulness begin to shift gradually.
As you work on shifting the culture around you, be patient. Norms take a long time to form, and a long time to change.
Tessa
West
is a social psychologist and professor at New York University. She has spent years leveraging science to help people solve interpersonal conflicts in the workplace. She’s the author of ”
Jerks at Work: Toxic Coworkers and What to Do About Them
″ and ”
Career Counseling: Discovering Employment That Suits You
She serves as a lecturer in an online program focused on careers.
Ways to Switch Careers and Enjoy Your Job More
.
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