Following a child’s tantrum, the usual sequence of events unfolds thusly: The parent might impose a time-out or direct them to retreat to their bedroom. Once the youngster regains composure, they rejoin the family unit. Subsequently, life resumes its regular course as if the outburst never occurred.
When apologies are offered, they tend to be rushed or mentioned briefly. While this method isn’t necessarily damaging, it’s far from sufficient. Rather than receiving recognition for managing their behavior, the child’s achievements go unnoticed. Instead of having their legitimate feelings validated, these emotions are brushed aside.
As a
clinical psychologist
I frequently observe this, which hinders children from acquiring the necessary skills to handle their emotions. Instead, they merely learn to move forward as though nothing occurred.
To raise kids who are great at conflict resolution, do these five things:
1. Maintain composure through disciplined reflection with a soothing follow-up discussion
The debriefing discussions ought to be conducted gently and only once everybody has settled down. From my perspective, building bedsheets into fort-like structures within dimly lit spaces adorned with cozy blankets sets up an ideal atmosphere.
In organizing our discussion, I employ a “what happened for you” method where every individual alternates in sharing their observations, thoughts, and emotions regarding the dispute while the listener seeks points to acknowledge.
These sessions focus on helping kids learn to acknowledge and accept their emotions. Simply because they struggle with handling these feelings does not imply that the emotions themselves are negative or incorrect. While it could be suitable for a child to experience guilt after misbehaving, we should ensure they do not feel shame regarding their identity or emotional responses.
DON’T MISS:
Ways to Switch Careers and Enjoy Work More
2. Allow them to take charge
In these sessions, I typically allow the kids to speak first, assuming they wish to do so. This small act gives them a feeling of control following their recent loss of it.
When using this method, expect your child to dramatically distort your actions and the circumstances when they share their viewpoint.
Guiding children to share their thoughts and emotions during the conflict—rather than focusing on what you, as a parent, did to trigger them—is one approach to prevent these discussions from turning into back-and-forth blame games.
3. Listen with empathy and remain calm
When you need to correct a child’s story – since it might be completely different from what happened – attempt to use an “I understand why you thought it appeared this way” approach.
Honey, I didn’t toss a basketball your way. While driving on the expressway, there were absolutely no basketballs inside the vehicle. However, I realize now that my tone and choice of words could’ve come across as overwhelming for you. It’s possible you felt bombarded with negativity from me.
Even though you may not agree with all the intense scenarios your kid narrates, it’s important to attempt recognizing and acknowledging their feelings. “It must hurt to think nobody hears you, particularly from your father,” or “I’d probably get annoyed as well if I had to share a brand-new toy with my sibling.”
4. Also hold yourself responsible.
Seek chances to say sorry for anything you might have said or done during the dispute that you now feel bad about. Make sure your apology isn’t something like “I’m sorry you felt that way.”
Sorry statements should explicitly outline what went wrong, incorporate the phrase I’m sorry, and conclude with ideas on repairing the connection or altering your actions. If you manage to acknowledge your feelings responsibly while owning up to your conduct, you’re doing great.
“I spoke louder than I ought to have. I apologize for that. Feeling anger is acceptable; raising one’s voice isn’t. In the future, I will step back and cool off once I sense those emotions coming up.” Remember, if you wish your children to own up to their errors, you must demonstrate how it’s properly handled.
5. Demonstrate for them how you recognize and express your feelings.
Once your child has expressed their viewpoint and you have acknowledged their feelings, it’s important to then convey “what happened from your standpoint.”
Try to convey your thoughts and feelings from the time of the conflict. Aim to pinpoint emotions that go deeper than mere frustration, irritation, or various levels of anger. It’s okay to acknowledge that you were upset; however, aim to depict yourself not merely as an exaggerated figure with smoke emitting from your head like a classic animated character. Instead, strive for a portrayal that captures a fuller range of human emotion.
Examples include the following:
-
“I was
afraid
Someone was bound to get injured. -
“I was
disappointed
In myself for not knowing how to assist you. -
“I was
confused
by your frustration.”
In conclusion, inspire your children to confirm you by posing queries such as, “Is that clear?” “Did you ever experience something similar?” “Do you understand my reasoning here?” Since you’ve just demonstrated validation during your discussion with them, now would be an ideal moment to guide them in practicing it themselves.
There’s no need to push the matter if they aren’t ready to join in. The aim here isn’t primarily to get the recognition you merit but rather to offer the structure needed for children to build up the abilities they require.
Caroline Fleck, PhD
,
She is a certified psychologist, corporate advisor, and works as an Adjunct Clinical Instructor at Stanford University. Her educational background includes earning a B.A. in both psychology and English from the University of Michigan, followed by obtaining her M.A. and Ph.D. from Duke’s Department of Psychology and Neuroscience.
Are you looking for a new career that offers better pay, more flexibility, or greater fulfillment?
Enroll in Career’s latest online course now.
Ways to Switch Careers and Enjoy Your Job More
Skilled mentors will guide you on how to effectively network, enhance your CV, and smoothly shift into your ideal job. Sign up now and apply the promo code EARLYBIRD to get a 30% discount off the $67 fee (+ taxes and fees) until May 13, 2025.
It is an adapted extract from ”
Verification: How the Skill Set That Transformed Psychology Will Reshape Your Connections, Boost Your Impact, and Alter Your Journey
by Caroline Fleck. Copyright © 2025 by Caroline Fleck. Published by Avery.